The Chav Apocalypse… It’s Coming…

If you are lucky enough to be living in a  nice part of the UK then you may not have come across a chav before so I have provided you with the Oxford Dictionary definition below.

Chav: a young lower-class person typified by brash and loutish behaviour and the wearing of (real or imitation) designer clothes. 

However, if the above description is not enough then I have worked my Photoshop magic to create your typical chav holiday photo to give you a better idea.

Lovely couple aren’t they? I have named them Dwayne and Britney!

Here are my main problems with your average chav. They will spend the majority of their time drinking, smoking weed, playing  shit music loudly through their iphone speakers on the bus/train so we all have to suffer, buying and wearing Burberry, breeding mini chavs (or “gobby little shits” as I like to call them), talking loudly in an accent I can only describe as “sounding thick” and appearing on Jeremy Kyle to find out which of the 10 men they brought on there is the father of the child. One could argue that appearing on Jeremy Kyle (JK) is useful as it provides entertainment – some of the better shows have been;

• Who’s Father To Your Baby? Me Or My Dad?
• I’m A Binge Drinker And A Drug Dealer, But I’ll Be A Great Dad!

And my personal favourite…

• Your Baby’s Too White To Be Mine!

It makes for hilarious viewing!

One of the chav lifestyle choices I really cannot fathom is Burberry, to me it’s a mix of tartan and the check pattern found on the flat caps worn by elderly men… I do not understand why chavs are styling themselves on what would be the quintessential look of an elderly scottish woman.

So, now we have talked about what chavs are, I’m going to explain how they will eventually take over the world!

It has been documented by various studies that lone child families are on the rise in the middle class. There are quite a few reasons for this but I don’t want to bore you by going into them, if you’re interested then go look it up. What it comes down to is that as I have mentioned, one common past time for chav women is breeding, usually with a variety of men (I have lost count of how many paternity tests Jermemy Kyle has performed by now), so mathematically, one day… We will be overrun by Chavs.

The Math

1 Non Chav Mother + 1  Non Chav Father = 1 Non Chav Child  -  For every 2 Non Chav parents we have only one Non Chav Child, this means the population will eventually be (-1) Non Chav

1 Chav Mother + 10 Chav Fathers (maybe more) = 15 Chav Children  - The Chav Children not replace their parents but the Non Chav Parent from above and we are still left with (+3) Chavs

What does it all mean?

Well my friends it means that one day the Chavs will indeed outnumber us as they gradually replace non chav parents with gobby little shits. Within a certain amount of time we shall see a new world order… Coventry will become the new English capital, soldiers uniforms will be Burberry, Jeremy Kyle will become the new Prime Minister, White Lighting will be the only available alcoholic beverage, females will need to wear hoop earrings and if you aren’t wearing a designer tracksuit you will be shot on sight. Its a scary thought… I’d prefer to see the zombie apocalypse.

Snoop Dogg – Someone should put him down!!

I’d like to start by stating that I do not despise all rap, some of it I think is quite clever and well done, “I’m on a boat” by Lonely Island for example is brilliant. If you haven’t listened to it before, I think you should take the time to do so…

Hilarious!! Anyway… There are 2 things about rap that annoy me, the rapper and the (c)rap he’s singing. The trouble is that the majority of the songs generally promote some form of violence, drugs or gang warfare and is nothing more than a long string of violated words who I’m sure would scream at their misuse if they could. (That said, given the apparent IQ of some rappers I suppose we should congratulate them for being able to string words together… at all). The actual rapper is generally an ugly bastard who believes he is Gods gift to women and seeks to remind us of this by having hordes of them dance around him in his ridiculous music video.

Today I shall be talking about someone who is the epitomy of everything that I despise about rap, his name ladies and gentleman is Calvin Cordozar Broadus, or Snoop Dogg to his friends.

This man can be summarised in one word: Wanker.

A 40 year old man wearing too much jewellery and with his hair in pigtails, he is basically half way to being a really bad drag act! Put on some lipstick, a dress, some heels and voila – he could be called Miss Scooby Snack. I try not to judge when it comes to what is and is not attractive to other people (though I do judge a bit) but seriously? Mr Dogg claims in his song “Drop it like it’s Hot” (nothing to do with picking up burning pans incidentally), to “specialize in making all the girls get naked”. They may be getting naked before you Mr Dogg but I think you’ll find that it’s your wallet doing all the necessary convincing. He claims in another song called “Ain’t no fun (If the homies can’t have none)” that “Now as the sun rotates and my game grows bigger, How many bitches wanna fuck this nigga named Snoop Doggy” well based on the female friends I have, I can answer that with a big fat zero. Maybe someone should remind him that the women dancing around him are being paid to do it or are we coming back to the IQ issue again…!

One thing I would like to hope everyone agrees on is that the way he raps about women is flat out disgraceful! “I’m giggin on these hoes, do ‘em like dominoes, And slam ‘em on they back, and tell ‘em vamanos”. It amazes me how someone at his age can think it is ok to rap about women in the way that he does.  His little “gangsta friends” aren’t any better either. They do not have a single song between them that is any more profound than the armchair my “big booty” is sat on with a backing track that could be copied by giving a monkey a vibrating drum set. I can’t think of any sane woman who would disrespect and degrade herself by sleeping with this pathetic excuse of a man or his little dweeb friends. In fact, I think were a real woman to meet Snoop Dogg, she would bitch slap him for being such an asshole.

There is also no actual skill involved in rapping. OK, maybe a little skill, it’s not like we are born knowing how to talk, but  in rap all you need to be able to do is talk at varying speeds. Once you have mastered this, you can rap. Congratulations. Have a cookie.

Personally, if I wanted to listen to someone ramble on over a piece of music, I’d put on a CD and phone my father!

One final thing, listen to the below… It sums up my feelings perfectly!

Twishite: The tale of a stalker and his prey (literally!)

I know this post is probably going to offend a few of my facebook friends who are twilight mad. To them I apologise, I have nothing against you personally, I just really hate twilight.

As the first part of the final film is out tomorrow, I thought I would whip up a quick post to showcase my feelings about this awful series.

If you have no idea what Twilight is then I can only assume you have been living in a cave! Its the massively successful book series that spawned the massively successful film franchise. To summarise in brief it is the teen romance that tells the tale of one girl, Bella Swan, who falls in love with Edward the vampire but also has feelings for Jacob Black the werewolf. There’s a lot of angst as our heroine Bella struggles with her feelings about pretty much everything that happens to her, but mainly the fact her main love interest wants to eat her (no, this is not a euphemism, he really does).  That’s basically it, in case you do live in a cave and this drivel sounds interesting to you – I won’t go into any spoilers.

My main issues with Twilight are the main characters Bella and Edward. I also have issues with the fact that at every given opportunity, Jacob has his shirt off.

So what Im going to do now is detail my main problem with each character.

Bella

If there is one saving grace for the films, it is that Bella is not so totally wet in them as she is the books. There was almost an entire chapter I think at one point dedicated to her complaining about the massive hole in her chest that had been left by her darling Edward. Stephanie Meyer, Twilights author, seemed determined to put Bella through as much pain (emotionally and physically) as she possibly could – I found this to be hilarious, it’s just so badly written. I wouldn’t have minded it so much though if Meyer didn’t then documents Bella whining about her life in chapter after chapter! Life isn’t fair. Get over it. Not only this, Bella had absolutely no back bone whatsoever when it came to Edward, her own identity seems to be lost as she goes from being an individual to “Miss Dependant on my Boyfriend for happiness!” What a role model…

In the films, Bella is slightly less annoying. She does still pine after Edward at every given opportunity, and screams a lot but at least you get the impression she has a bit more about her. Not much. A bit. I still don’t like her! I also dislike that she feels a vampire sneaking into her room so he can watch her sleep is ok… What.The.Fuck?! If I woke up to see some bloke staring at me not only would I try to kick the crap out of him whilst getting away, I would call the police! Like a normal person!

Edward

He sparkles. Like a fairy. If I need to convince you of why this is lame then you are a lost cause. A sparkly vampire?? Seriously?? Someone needs to call in Blade or Buffy because this should just not be allowed. Not only does he sparkle, his relationship with Bella is damned unhealthy. Think about it, how many times in the book is she scared of how he is going to react or what he is going to say? He disables her truck at one point to keep her in the house. He asks his “sister” Alice to keep an eye on her and watch her movements. He shows up randomly at places she doesnt expect him to be… also known as stalking! I can honestly say that were I to have children, I would not allow them an Edward/Bella style relationship… Hell no!!

97% of women on seeing Edward Cullen about to jump to his death from a very tall building would be screaming “No Edward, don’t do it!” 3% of women would be sat with some popcorn screaming “Do a flip you sparkly bitch!” I am the 3%!

The Big Fat Friend

Some things in life are certain; death, taxes and that any female the size of a rake will have at least one friend the size of a truck! If you are sat there thinking “well none of my friends are fat,” the chances are that you are probably the fat friend in denial! Back in the day, if you were a large lady then the world would assume that you were wealthy, nothing more… today the world assumes it means you’re poor because your money is going on KFCs bargain buckets!

Now, before I go any further I would like to assure you that I am perfectly aware of which category I fall into, and being honest I’m fine with it! The perk of being gifted with massive boobs to compensate for the large belly, thighs, hips etc. balances me out rather well. My real issue is with the skinny bitches who abuse the privelage of having a big fat friend.

The following is more common that you would think, next time you are out shopping – look for it! Guaranteed you will see some poor behemoth of a woman sat waiting outside the changing rooms of Jane Norman or similar for her incredibly tiny friend to appear in this seasons latest fashions. Crammed into the armchair she waits, gazing longingly at all the clothes she has no chance of wearing as they do not come in her size. The poor thing has to shop in Millets. Her friend will then sweep back the curtain and appear in this skin hugging spandex dress thing, twirling for her friend like she is Cinderella. The big fat friend will smile at her, tell her how good she looks, although if you can look closely you can see the envy in her eyes. At this point, while her big fat friend is a little sad, a little wistful, a little jealous… The bitchstick will do one of 2 things;

1. Ask the big fat friend “Does it make me look fat?”
2. Grab the tiny roll of flesh on her tiny frame and complain, “Oh God! I am so fat!”

… I would respond to either situation with the same thing. I’d sit on the bitch!